In celebration of the calendar’s shortest month we took our sweet-ass time getting these new “Now Or Never” shirts out. We got 3 new ones plus a redesign of our yogurty one from last year. Remember, they are only available in February.

Plus today (Feb 10, 2010) only, spend $35 (before tax and shipping) and use the coupon code “FEBSALE4″ during checkout and get free standard shipping in the U.S. (or $6.99 off shipping to Canada).

We are also working on bringing back some more classics later in the month. We’ve been collecting your requests and feeding them into our Bringbackatron2000™ for analysis.

Want to win a Glarkware shirt and be grossed-out while you try to do it? Oh baby does Glark have the thing for you.

UPDATE: Sale extended to Thursday, Dec. 3!

Big update for Black Friday! Use the coupon code CYBER29 during checkout and save 25% off orders of $40 or more before shipping and taxes. The coupon is good from Friday, November 27, 2009 to Monday, November 30, 2009 Thursday, December 3, 2009.

Like Libya, this update is a study in contrast.

We are buzzing with geeky excitement like the North American Hummingnerd.

Yet there’s still a dark place of Delicious Resentment we like to go to.

We’re not above playing Stapler-based practical jokes…

…but when a Local Photographer is mistaken for a tourist we’re not laughing.

And we’re thankful for all the people who asked us to bring back Night Cheese, so we’re doing just that.

Hooray! The “Now Or Never” shirts are back and this month we’re all about food. Food food foodie food! Starting this month we’re shipping “NoN” shirts on a regular shirt schedule so no more waiting.

Order by the end of October because after that they go inside the fabled Glarkware Vault.

Enjoy Night Cheese and Mo’ Yogurt Mo’ Problems!

We’ll be honest, the copy we had prepared for this spot was totally unprintable. You know how these things go, right?

Enjoy Wu’s Livestock and Swedgin!

The American people have found so many ways to display ingenuity. Cars, lightbulbs, television, flight, toilet paper…all of these are American innovations (as far as we know), and all of them are just fine. But even those without backgrounds in science or engineering have been challenged to innovate by the advent of the marquee. Those alphabets apparently never come with as many characters as you need! So a P turns into a b; a C gets half-coloured in to become an O; a 3 gets flipped around into a makeshift E. Sure, the result sometimes looks jank. But surely we all have sympathy for the disadvantaged marquee maintainer…and, in any case, admire the timeless look of those beveled letters.

Have some Sympathy For The Bevel.

There are some of us who feel it’s impossible to ruin a Ren Faire — indeed, that the event is misbegotten from concept forward. But for those who feel there’s no awesomer way to spend a Sunday afternoon than traipsing around a conservation area in petticoats or chain mail (or both!), singing madrigals and eating turkey legs, maintaining the period illusion is of paramount importance. Wear this shirt down to your local Ren Faire to mess with the amateur historians. Pair it with a Walkman and a Big Gulp — that’ll REALLY vex them.

I Ruin Your Ren Faire is a motto and a way of life!

Your foes are probably always telling you where you’re headed straight to — the poorhouse, oblivion, hell. But you know better! Let them know you’re going somewhere that’s special enough that it doesn’t require the involvement of fat-cat theatre owners, with their inflated snack prices and sticky floors. You’re going straight to your fans, so they can enjoy you at home, and at their convenience.

You’re going Straight To Video!

Your office probably puts you through any number of inane team-building exercises, from weekend retreats to that game where you pass eggs on spoons without using your hands. But have any of them really transformed the loose affiliation you have with your colleagues into a cohesive team? If not, it’s probably because no one in your office is charismatic enough to command that kind of following. Would that we could all line up behind a true office visionary like that.

Join the Army of Champions!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

We all know people who put on airs — think they’re something pretty special, acting like they hung the moon and that their shit don’t stink and whatnot. Most of the time, we just have to put up with their disagreeable attitude because the social contract doesn’t allow us to call people on their crap. But there are some times when our inner voice will not be silenced, and we must speak truth to power. Like, for instance, that — as cool as a robot car is — once its driver is parted from the car, the driver loses a great deal of his cachet. (The Swordsman expresses this sentiment a lot more succinctly.)

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

8:00 PM: Neighbour kid comes collecting for Unicef. Brandish sword in the direction of “No Solicitors” sign on the front door. 9:30 PM: Take skeleton dog for walk; smoke. A day in the life of The Swordsman.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

The odds that everyone will be able to partake of every dish are extremely slim. But lest you try to please the entire group with one lowest-common-denominator meal, don’t forget: You Don’t Win Friends With Salad.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

The real news is full of global warming, international wars, sick ladies, arms dealers, pedophiles, HMOs, illegal immigration, underfunded schools, contested elections, sadness, death, and Republicans. The real news is depressing, yo. Is it any wonder there are so many of us who much prefer The Fake News?

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Think about your parents…ah, well. Did you take up the career they wanted you to? Marry that girlfriend they liked so much? Do you visit them on a regular basis? Failing that, do you call?

Eh, even if you did do all those things, it still might not satisfy their expectations for your performance. Acknowledge their irritation with the shirt that tells the world you are, in fact, a Constant Source Of Disappointment.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

In order to be prepared for the dystopian future yet to come — characterized, as we know it will be, by the presence of murderous robots — the question is: how will the requisite tiny handful of humans manage to survive, avoiding the extinction of our weak, meaty race? Simple: the survivors of the coming slaughter will save their lives by selling out and joining the robots in their extermination of humanity. Kill All Humans!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Sinner or saint, you know that in your heart Abstinence Is For Virgins.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Folks have all kinds of opinions about what is the most pressing peril confronting America. Secular humanism being taught in public schools? Overly stringent environmental laws? Muckraking journalists who give aid and comfort to the enemy by detailing the government’s secret wiretapping activities? Killer bees? Legendary British actresses using the word “tit” after 9 PM in a live TV broadcast far too boring for any child to watch? Certainly, all of these bear monitoring. But, as even a braying simpleton with just the barest understanding of world events could tell you, the Number One Threat to American security is: bears.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Ex.Ter.Min.Ate.
Ex.Ter.Min.Ate.
Ex.Ter.Min.Ate.
Ex.Ter.Min.Ate.
Ex.Ter.Min.Ate.
Ex.Ter.Min.Ate.
Ex.Ter.Min.Ate.

In conclusion, Ex.Ter.Min.Ate.!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

We all have moments in our lives when we feel like we’ve landed in an alien world and have lost touch, irrevocably, with everything that was ever familiar to us. We wonder if we’ll ever be able to fit in with the strangers around us. And then, we find just the right “look,” we rock it hard, and we realize that we’ll probably be just fine after all. It all goes on the Doctor’s Coat Rack.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Kinda super very true.

By Lunchbreath (check out his illustrations, they are awesome).

There’s no reason to be scared of the dentist, y’all! You just have to do the necessary preventative maintenance between visits: brush, floss, rinse with a mouthwash a couple of times a week, and keep your choppers strong and healthy. Start and end every day right: throw a Party In Your Mouth!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

We know this about fall: it’s perfect cane weather. You can use a cane to gesture, tap out a beat, thrash a disobedient servant, or perform an impromptu tribute to A Chorus Line. Life as a tripod can be a lot of fun! And if you find a hip blows out because you get too dependent on what was once just an affectation, don’t worry — there are perfectly safe pain relievers you can get to deal with that. Cane and Enabler is now available!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

There are snarky jerks, who have no compunction about mocking both the fears of the shy and the openness of the extroverted. For just those very jerks, we have created a shirt and it’s called Ask Me About My Crippling Shyness!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

We’ve all been in the position of planning an expedition up Mt. Everest — arranging for financing, stocking up on gear — only to discover at a crucial moment that one or more of the sherpas we’ve hired actually doesn’t have any mountaineering experience at all and is actually just a grad student in Political Science from the University of Maryland. And then where are you? Stranded on the side of a cliff, thinking about making grad-student stew. Get a Fully Bonded Sherpa!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Officer, this man took all my bangers and mash!
Wot’s all this then?!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

You can always rear your kids using the same techniques as your neighbours — spending time with them, learning their interests, blah blah blah. But if you want to bring the same expertise to bear on your children that helped your ancestors to start the line that’s extended all the way to you, It Takes A Pillage.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

No no no, we were saying Boo-urns.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Every child of the ’80s remembers the day his or her family entered the digital age. It could have been with an Atari, a Colecovision, or even a mighty VIC-20; no matter: they all hooked up to the same TV we’d always known, and transformed it from a box that passively delivered Diff’rent Strokes into an amusement park conveniently located right there in our own living rooms. This was the power of the TV/Game Switch.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Remember that hyperbole is without a doubt the single greatest thing in the history of the universe!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Food In Poo Out for adults and Food In Poo Out for babies is once again available! Follow the exciting travels of apples, fish, carrots and what have you as they journey through the universe that is the human stomach on their way to becoming one of the most amusing things known to mankind — poo.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

For most of us, direct contact with the periodic table ends sometime around Grade 11. So let us enlighten you about it: there are a lot of elements, dude. Yeah, there are the ones we all know and love — your oxygen, your hydrogen, your gold. But then there are, like, dozens that you’ve never even heard of. Berkelium? Einsteinium? Nobelium? There’s a reason all these C-list elements should be commemorated? What relevance does Californium have in your day-to-day life? For these reasons we present the Periodic Table of Sloth.

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Banana oil! Today’s reintroduction is a resplendent redesign of our olden days go f*** yourself shirt Good Day To You Sir. If your foe doesn’t give the hint with the front’s titular message then the back will!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

In a shocking development we have followed up yesterday’s reintroduction of My Boyfriend Can Totally Beat Up Your Boyfriend with its catfighty partner My Girlfriend Can Totally Beat Up Your Girlfriend. Sassy! Sexy!

If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Today is the first day of our one-a-day classic Glarkware reintroduction series.

Each weekday (for a little while) we will bring back a classic design in new colours (and some with a new design too). Our first reintroduction is My Boyfriend Can Totally Beat Up Your Boyfriend and is available on solid colour tees and heather tees too.

We’ll give you one guess which shirt we’re doing tomorrow. If you have a design or colour request please hit us up on Twitter or email.

Yes, we spell colour with a ‘u’. Sorry, we can’t help it.

One question we here at Glarkware get more than any other is “How much of my own blood can I count on my Glarkware apparel absorbing if I’m beaten to a pulp at a documentary film festival in Greece?”

Turns out the answer is “more than you need or want” according to Ray Pride who found out the hard way. Ray’s okay now but this story is crazy nuts. Stay safe Ray!

Our eagle-eyed copywriter spotted our shirt Office Manager on College Humor’s Yawn of the Dead.

We’re not surprised. It’s a take charge shirt for take charge moments.

Oh hello there. Long time no see, eh? After a move and a nice rest we are back and happy to be so!

More Options and Colours

The first thing you’ll probably notice is that we’re offering a lot more options for our designs. In addition to American Apparel shirts we also have heavyweight and standard weight shirts from manufacturers like Fruit of the Loom and Bella. We’re also offering multiple shirt colours on most designs too because maybe we think you don’t want a Toaster shirt on black but you do!

U.S.-based Shipping

Our stuff is now produced and shipped in the United States by UPS. That means our stuff is going to arrive to you anxious Americans faster than before and you can track your order’s progress while it makes its way to you.

No More “Now Or Never” Delays

We’re moving production over to a make-to-order system. That means when we offer our “Now Or Never” designs, we’ll still be selling them just for a month, but they will ship out 1-2 days after you order. Swish. (NoN shirts will start again this summer.)

More Classics and New Stuff Coming Soon

We’ll be adding more classic designs like Hyperbole, Ex.Ter.Min.Ate and Good Day To You Sir in the weeks ahead including some neato redesigns. If you were looking for a particular design, there’s a good chance we’ll be bringing it back but you can always drop us a line and ask…

Getting (And Keeping) In Touch

We’re still using good old fashioned email and speaking of email if you want to get one when we launch new designs and coupons you can sign up for the deal e-list. We’ll also announce products and coupons on Twitter if that’s your thing. If you’re into RSS you can subscribe to our feed (but those yummy coupon codes are only on the e-list and Twitter for now).